How to Stop Arguing with a Spouse About Money

Married Couples Can Create Money Rules and Stop Money Fights

Apr 26, 2009

Instead of arguing about money, married couples can create money rules, stop money fights before they start and respectfully disagree about money.

Although it is common for married couples to have disagreements about how to spend money, there are ways to lessen the amount of negativity and tension these disagreements cause in a marriage. Creating money rules can stop money fights before they start by setting basic guidelines that both partners follow, requiring partners to make decisions together and using certain systems that reduce the need to argue. Fighting fairly and keeping disagreements on track can help couples to stop arguing about money when a disagreement does arise.

Create Money Rules to Stop Money Fights

One of the keys to stop money fights is to create rules that both partners will follow when it comes to dealing with money, according to Michelle Singletary in the Feb. 5, 2006, Washington Post article, “Love And Money: Well Before ‘for Richer or Poorer,’ You Need to Talk About Fiscal Fidelity.” Singletary is the author of Your Money and Your Man [Random House, 2006].

“It's imperative that you establish a set of guidelines to govern how you will deal with money in your household,” Singletary says. Both partners must agree on the rules and agree that they will be followed. Singletary suggests couples set a limit for purchases that can be made without discussion and agree that both partners must sign off on major purchases.

Whether couples have joint or separate checking accounts, one of the ground rules should be that there are no financial secrets, Singletary says. She suggests couples create a budget together and stick to it, discuss finances frequently and remain respectful during budget discussions. The guidelines each couple creates may be different, but they should reflect the financial goals the couple has for their marriage.

How to Stop Money Fights before they Begin

Dealing with the three areas where conflict tends to arise – long-term goals, day-to-day money management and each person’s role in the financial plan – can help to stop money fights before they start, according to MSN Money columnist MP Dunleavey in “Uncommon Sense: 3 big reasons couples fight about money.” These three areas can be sources of conflict due to the issues of power and control that are involved, according to financial expert Deborah Knuckey, author of Conscious Spending for Couples: Seven Skills for Financial Harmony [Wiley, 2002].

Uniting behind a long-term goal can help to diffuse arguments over day-to-day spending because each purchase either brings the couple closer to the goal or further away from it. A power struggle over a purchase does not have to start if both partners can agree to save the money and put it toward a common long-term goal, Knuckey says. For day-to-day money management and each person’s role in the financial plan, couples may choose separate bank accounts or agree to let one partner manage the money.

Like Singletary, Knuckey says couples who agree to have one person manage the money should discuss finances often to ensure one spouse is not in the dark about the couple’s financial situation. Knuckey offers more advice to keep the peace and stop money fights before they start. Knuckey says couples should create a financial plan at a calm moment and explore each other’s beliefs about money. “Money becomes a proxy for love, power and all kinds of things that it really isn’t,” Knuckey told Dunleavey, “so it’s critical to first get clear about what your individual feelings are about money.”

Discussing ways each person feels is appropriate to spend money is important. It’s also important to see that each person has fun money to spend. Another tip from Knuckey: Put monthly bills on auto-pay to stop fights about who is supposed to pay the bill or who missed the due date. “By putting everything on auto-pay, you streamline the administration of your money. That alone takes away a lot of tension,” Knuckey says.

Be Fair when Arguing about Money

Even with shared goals and guidelines, married couples may find themselves arguing about money. To prevent these disagreements from turning into money fights, there are behaviors to avoid and adopt during money discussions, according to psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington in the March 15, 2006, CNNMoney.com article, “Will your money fights lead to divorce?” by Jeanne Sahadi.

Gottman recommends married couples avoid attacking each other when discussing a particular upsetting behavior. “‘I wish you’d pay the bills on time, so we can avoid paying late fees is a legitimate complaint,” Gottman says. Comments that criticize the person, show disdain, involve hostile humor, mock, insult or are psychologically abusive must be avoided to prevent negativity in money fights.

Singletary agrees. Among guidelines she recommends married couples adopt is that discussions about money will remain respectful. Her rules involve no profanity or degrading comments and no yelling. “If either of us breaks one of the rules, we will own up to the transgression and find a way to prevent it from happening again,” she says.

Conversely, there are ways to make money fights less destructive and adversarial. Gottman recommends couples keep complaints specific to the situation at hand and steer the conversation back to the main topic when it goes off course. Using comments like, “I see,” can help make the other person feel listened to and validated.

Married couples who want to stop arguing about money can create money rules that will determine how each partner can spend money. Having common goals helps to define the couple’s financial plan and can keep day-to-day spending in check. Couples who are arguing about money need to be respectful to each other and focus on the issue at hand in order to stop money fights.

Resources

Dunleavey, MP. “Uncommon Sense: 3 big reasons couples fight about money.” MSN Money.

Sahadi, Jeanne. “Will your money fights lead to divorce?” CNNMoney, March 15, 2006.

Singletary, Michelle. “Love And Money: Well Before 'for Richer or Poorer,' You Need to Talk About Fiscal Fidelity.” Washington Post, Feb. 5, 2006.

The copyright of the article How to Stop Arguing with a Spouse About Money in Marital Finances is owned by Genna Cockerham. Permission to republish How to Stop Arguing with a Spouse About Money in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.